Married to a chef

"Wow I'd love to be married to a chef!" - I hear this a lot when I tell people about Mr H's line of work.  But let me tell you, it's not all glamorous meals out and rosette standard food in your own kitchen.  Don't get me wrong there are perks to being the other half of a culinary expert (hello free meals!) but it's definitely not the lifestyle for everyone.

So here's an insight into what it's really like to be married to a chef:

1. Unsociable hours

As you've probably guessed, chefs work very unsociable hours.  Mr H's normal working day starts anytime between 6 and 8:30 am (depending upon if he's working the breakfast shift), he may then get an afternoon split between 3:30 and 5 pm, if he's not working an AFD (All F-ing Day...), then he's lucky to be home before midnight most nights. 

Chefs also work weekends and holidays it's pretty he's lucky to have any social life at all!  Friends and family (including moi) need to be understanding, and you'll need to accept that you'll go to a lot of events or gatherings on your lonesome.  Which brings me nicely onto my next point...

2. Ships in the night

If, like me, you work a regular Monday to Friday, 9-5 job you will be lucky to get a fleeting hello or goodbye from your chef. Ships in the night is definitely a good description.  Mornings are always a sleepy rush to get ready and get out the door and when Mr H goes back to work if he gets a split I'm just about leaving the office.  By the time he gets home in the evening I'm usually asleep or near enough to be pretty useless company. So it's pretty easy to go days (and days) without really seeing each other even though we live in the same house!

3. They rarely cook at home

Let's face it, no-one likes bringing their work home so I think it's pretty standard for a lot of chefs to live off take-aways or convenience foods during their working week and to want to take a break from cooking on their days off.  Plus, unless you're willing to spend a small fortune on equipment it's unlikely your home kitchen is equipped with a professionals tools.  This obviously doesn't mean that good food can't be made there, but let's not expect a restaurant standard menu ay?  Mr H is passionate about food and loves to be cooked for, just remember to expect 'constructive' criticism - he is a professional after all...  

Although it is lovely when when Mr H surprises me with dinner when I walk in the door and I know I'm in for a treat the fact that this doesn't happen on a weekly basis isn't necessarily a bad thing. Wonderful as his food is it's not always the healthiest (think salt and butter) and I tend to put on a few pounds when he's home for a period of time so less is definitely more, but a treat now and again never hurt anyone!

4. Health and Stress

Anyone who's seen Hell's Kitchen will know that being a chef can be stressful.  They work in a high pressure, time sensitive, hot hot hot environment either being shouted at or barking out orders to make sure everything is going smoothly.  Plus, although they're surrounded by food all day long chefs don't necessarily get a lot of chances to actually eat.  There is a saying 'never trust a skinny chef' but if that chef is working his butt off chances are he will be on the slim side!  Working in a physical environment, being under continuous stress and grabbing convenience food on the way all point to a potentially very unhealthy lifestyle.  This is worth bearing in mind when you are the other half of a chef, yes they're old enough to look after themselves, but I'm sure they wouldn't complain about a good home cooked meal (and maybe a multi-vitamin) being left in the fridge when they get home...

5. The Restaurant Experience

As a chef's plus one it's likely that you will be lucky enough to sample food in a range of amazing restaurants (sometimes free of charge!).  But beware, taking your chef out to dinner can be like taking a professional dancer to your zumba class.  It may be nice, it may be fun, but it's not how they would do it, those two dishes shouldn't be served together, the duck is overcooked, what's the point of this cabbage?  You get the point, a lovely relaxing meal becomes a food audit.  Plus, suddenly you resent paying for something when you've been given a full breakdown of the actual cost it takes to make.

Sometimes it's just easier to go to Pizza Hut.

Also, it's worth mentioning here that I have what Mr H calls 'an untrained pallet'.  That is, I prefer basic food (hello mashed potato and gravy!) and have no idea how to use saffron, aspic jelly or sometimes even salt and pepper (!).  BUT I would say my taste buds have evolved over the time I've been with Mr H and I've definitely become less picky about what I eat - "deep fried scallop?  Pass it over!".  

6. Chef Whites

Ahh chef whites.... the bane of my life.  Everywhere I look around our home there are chef whites.  Waiting to be washed (stinky!), hanging out to dry or waiting to be ironed.  They're everywhere.  And don't get me started on stain removal!  With his crazy working hours I've taken the role of ironing Mr H's chef whites.  I dread to think how much of my life has been spent ironing whites, aprons and trousers.  If your chef can get their whites laundered at work, make sure they do!

7. Stability

A word of warning, it's not uncommon for chefs to change jobs fairly regularly and at least every 12 months or so.  This was a bit of a shock to me at first but I'm kind of used to it now, although I can't help thinking with every new job, "maybe this is the one he'll settle into". I think that the reason for changing jobs so regularly is partly because this is how chefs seem to move up the career ladder and gain experience, but I also think it's partly due to the fact that given the stressful environment they work in, if a kitchen isn't right for them it's very difficult for chefs to put up with it for long.  

Saying that, it's usually pretty easy for a chef to pick up work or at least do some temping.  Some chefs make a career out of temping as the money is so good, but can travel miles or live in somewhere for months at a time - not an ideal lifestyle for someone with a family.  Plus there's no guarantee for work or a steady income.  

8. Making it Work

So you're starting to think that your chef is merely a figment of your imagination and someone's playing a cruel trick leaving smelly chef whites on the bathroom floor every night.  But alas, you can make this work!

Over the years we've tried and tested a few tricks to make sure we get some quality time together or at least to discuss anything important. Sometimes these methods don't work all of the time, or at all, but it's important to try!

Here are a few hints and tips:

• Make your own plans:  
• I make sure I make plans to see friends, take part in hobbies and do my own thing.  It's easy to moan that your chef is never home when you've been bored on your own all week!
• But I also try to be home for his split on the weekend and not to make plans on his evenings off
• When schedules clash:
• Making your own plans inevitably means that there will be times when your chef calls to say he has an unexpected night off when you've made plans to see a friend.  Your friend may be understanding and not mind if you want to rearrange but sometimes you'll just have to accept things can't always be scheduled perfectly - better than making no plans just in case! 
• Be organised
• We have a calendar to scribble down the main events of our week so we always have at least an idea of what the other is doing.
• If you need your chef to be off for an important event, make sure you give them plenty of notice so they can book holiday or work days off around it
• Communicate
• Mr H will always try to call or text me on his split, even just a quick hello. I'll also text him to tell him about my day even though he may not pick my messages up until he's home in the evening with me snoring in bed! It's important to make these small bits of effort to keep in touch.
• Make time 
• Since we don't tend to get weekends together we try to book time away or days out together when we can. This may mean me taking time off work to coincide with his days off or us both booking time off to go away somewhere.
• Don't expect too much
• With a job like his, Mr H has little time at home.  Even on his days off he's speaking to suppliers, writing menus and organising rotas.  For this reason I've taken up most of the household jobs.  The deal is that he looks after the car and I look after the house and household finances.  We both do the gardening.  
• BUT this is not an excuse for laziness!!
• His time
• I used to think that Mr H would want to spend all his free time with me and forget that actually he has friends, family and hobbies of his own.  Whoopsies!  So although it is important to spend quality time together, remember he needs his own space and time too. 
• 10 minute moan
• We all like to unload our daily stress, either over coffee with a friend or a long phone call.  Mr H doesn't get much opportunity for this so we have what's called a '10 minute moan' where we are allowed to moan about our day for 10 minutes before putting it to rest.  Not only does it give you an insight into each others day but you both feel ten times better for it!
• Ultimately it's about making the most of any time you have together
• Savor trips together, skip parties for a night in
• Accept that somethings are beyond your control (like a table turning up late)
• Be patient
• And remember, absence makes the heart grow fonder!

For more advice and chat about being the other half of a chef check out this fab blog - Desperate Chef Wives!

Now, what to make for dinner?

The Rules of Engagement

It was a chilly Tuesday in March (2012).  Whilst I was at work, Mr H travelled up to North Wales to see his family for a few hours.  He came home in hyper active mode and with a parking ticket (for which I gave him grief, obvs).  That evening I went netball training as per usual.  I came home and jumped in the shower.  10 mins later Mr H knocked on the bathroom door, “how long are you going to be?”, “give me a minute” I answered grumpily.  I hurriedly wrapped my towel round me, grabbed my sweaty netball kit (nice), left my hair in a semi-towel dried mess and exited the bathroom.  I was then presented with Mr H holding a beautiful heart-shaped ring.  He dropped to one knee and said “Ellie, will you marry me?”  I proceeded to drop my kit (luckily not the towel), cover my face with my hands and swear (always the lady).  Of course I said yes and the rest, as they say, is history!  

Needless to say, our engagement was a complete surprise!  I had no idea that for the previous 3 weeks Mr H had been plotting, viewing rings and liaising delivery to his mum’s home (hence the trip to N.Wales, and the parking ticket).  The moment couldn’t have been more perfect for us.  I didn’t sleep that night for excitement.  I felt invincible (I also lost 5lbs from shear giddiness in the first week) and couldn’t wait to show off my beautiful engagement ring and start buying wedding magazines.

Fast forward a couple of months - something unexpected happened.  Wedding magazines became overwhelming, I couldn’t cope with people asking about the wedding and their opinions on everything and the fluffy engagement image started to distort into a stressful mess.  A cocktail of unexpected emotions started to surface.  Don’t get me wrong, I loved Mr H and had no qualms in marrying my partner in crime but for some reason this engagement period seemed to not only send me, but some of those around me completely bonkers! 

Visiting the Church where we would be married

I felt anxious about married life, sad to be seemingly leaving my family behind and confused over even the simplest of decisions.  Everyone expects the blushing bride to be a bubble of happiness; I wasn’t and for this I felt guilty. 

I then came across a book online called “Emotionally Engaged, a Bride’s Guide to Surviving the ‘Happiest’ Time of Her Life” by Allison Moir-Smith, a guide for distressed brides-to-be to help understand which of these emotions are normal (and in fact necessary).  I found the book enlightening and finally thought, hey it’s ok to feel this way and actually completely normal!  This was a huge weight off my mind!  Allison talks you through the fantasy vs. reality of being engaged and the stages of preparing for married life (including the end of your single life, seeing your new life take shape and life as a wife). 

I actually ended up taking a good couple of months off from wedding planning, took a step back, reminded myself of what’s really important (not necessarily table decorations!), spent quality time with Mr H and my family and friends and thought what we’d really like from our wedding day rather than what’s expected.  

I began to stand up for myself more, be decisive but also more relaxed.  I started to enjoy planning our wedding, learnt the beauty of delegation (you don’t have to take it all on yourself!) and having fun with my girl-friends (more on hen dos later!).  By the time we got to the actual wedding I was happy, relaxed and ready to enjoy not only our special day but our lives together as Mr and Mrs H.

And let me tell you, it was all totally worth it!

*************

Speaking of engagements, Brooklyn from This Little Blonde and Stevie from Colorful Commotion have started a Engaged or Enraged link-up!  Here's my little contribution....

1. What was the funniest moment you have had while planning your wedding?

Underwear shopping with my Maid of Honor – including trying on possibly the baggiest, see through ensemble in England - I don’t think she’ll ever see me in the same light again!  Hilarious!

2. What is your favorite thing about your fiance/husband?

His generously, sense of humour and little button nose.

3. What was the most stressful part of planning a wedding? 

Other people!  Learning to accept opinions and ideas but ultimately making our own decisions. 

4. What is your favorite personal detail from your wedding?

Our personalised cocktails – Mr Pickles, Afro Circus, Canapés in the Night and Buttercup Delight. 

5. What was your favorite part about planning a wedding?

I love lists and being organised so filling in my wedding planner (and making budget spreadsheets) got me very excited!  I also loved seeing it all come together and, weirdly, posting my invites gave me butterflies - it finally felt like real people were coming rather than just names on a guest list!!  Plus having a good excuse to have regular pampering sessions and spend more time with my girls was amazing.

6. What would your fiancé/husband say is his favorite thing about you?

Apparently there are too many things to name just one (he's been taught very well!) but I would say his favorite thing is how we understand and stand by each other no matter what and always know what the other is thinking (apparently I give him my 'be sensible' look when I know he's about to do something naughty).  

The Secret Diary of a Sleep Talker…

My hubby has a vivid imagination to say the least and unfortunately this doesn’t have an off switch when he goes to the land of nod.

Being suddenly woken up in the middle of the night is never fun and episodes range from random shouting and talking in Welsh to full on night terrors, to which all you can do is try to sooth and let run their course.  All tend to end with him waking himself up, giving me a quizzical look, turning over pulling the duvet with him and mumbling grumpily “shut up Ellie I’m going to sleep”.  To which I just lay still and stunned!

The first night terror I can recall was in our little one bedroom flat on the coast of Aberystwyth (West Wales) one January night.  A storm was brewing and we’d watched ‘Indiana Jones’ the night before.  Suddenly Mr H jumped out of bed screaming “scorpions!” and whacking the sheets.   He proceeded to pull me out of bed and strip all the covers off, fanning them frantically and hitting the mattress as I stood bewildered, shivering and slightly in shock!  Next thing I knew he had made the bed, got back between the covers, rolled over and gone back to sleep.

There have been similar situations with rats and lobsters under his pillow and bumble bees chasing him.  Usually he runs around shouting for a bit whilst I try to sleepily sooth him and gently coax him back to bed.  One night I woke up to him nudging me in the back, “what’s wrong?” I questioned, suddenly awake with fear something had happened.  “I’m making canapés” he answered innocently.  Obviously!

He often tucks himself up in bed with a smile on his face thinking aloud “what shall I dream of tonight?” – all I can think is “please don’t let it be butchering an animal carcass”!

The thing is the next morning he denies all knowledge, looks at me like I’m crazy and is convinced I’m making it all up…… maybe I’m the one who’s been dreaming……